at best i am an actor…

at best i am an actor playing the part of dreamer
by Arianne Benford

i hit twenty one and it was like a life that took two
eons to form suddenly channeling carl lewis at the
olympics        flat out sprinting toward a lofty
goal     hurdling ninety mph into midnight        my
failures have become more reliable than my dreams
family lovers and friends used to believe right
along with me
now they count they count the days between my
missteps and frantic phone calls
when what i swore would work this time
didn’t
when what i swore i would do this time
i couldn’t
knowing this pattern with funny jagged swerves
better than north side lake shore drive curves
because    no matter what i eventually fuck
up    dragging supporters and hopes into the
depths with me        at least addicts get a high
from there devil    pleasure fails me        i am a
rebel with out a flag taking residence in pity parties
across the country during happy hours masquerading
like i actually have someplace else to be     at
best i am an actor playing the part of dreamer     but
the lines keep changing    scenes rearranging hourly
into serotonin caked impressions of happy
somehow i always find a way to make
everything work out in my head
no matter what the odds         and for a while i am
fine        at night    i bluff myself to sleep
masturbating a fantasy of eventual success                           a sweet faux peace comes bearing    half
sighs of timid release             reality still
stuck in my chest breeding scared troubled babies
costumed as strength        because i have
chosen to believe         but not to strive
to grasp and not hold
to see but not to be        repeatedly getting in my
own way        jumping boldly forward into the
darkness and running full speed back    afraid of
what i know i am