when at Michigan Women’s Music Festival, during the healing circle, an elder woman came behind me and started to whisper things into my ear, I can still hear her healing, when she said:
“Wow, you are so strong” –rubbing my back.
“Look at how tight you are” –pressing her fingers up and down my spine.
“all of this strength, you are such a strong girl” –Reaching her palm towards my chest.
“Other people know how strong you are” –Opening her palm and pressing downwards.
“They dump themselves, onto you, because you can handle the weight of their pain” –Rubbing her palm.
“You are so strong, girl” –Pushing her fingers into my back.
“You are full of power” –Pressing my chest, pushing fingers into my back,
“Let their pain go” –Holding me.
“You mustn’t cradle their pain” –she restrains me,
“You cannot be held down, you are too powerful” –meeting her hands, front to back, pushing inside and outside together. Rubbing.
“Do not worry, you will not fall” –I wipe my tears.
“Your strength is only the beginning of your power” –She grabs my shoulders
“You must take care of yourself first” –She shakes me hard.
“You are a powerful woman” –I am floating now.
—I don’t remember this part, the music, and the energies, and the singing voices, and the overwhelming emotion, and the heat, and the silence succumb me as I float above it all—
“You must use your power for good” –She ends.
And she disappears, as if she had never arrived. And so it is.
Sister Community, I share this with you to say that your palms are large.
Sister Community, your palms are large. When you choose to hold something, it is held. You hold it, because you choose to, yes, but also because you, unlike others who are unknowing, have large palms. I’m not sure if they are this large because you have spent time in your life reaching, and aiming to hold onto things, or if they are large because there is so much for you to grab. The origin of your large palms, I am unclear of. However, they are still large.
And your large palms mean that you need not hold the precious loves of your life so tightly. Instead, use these large palms to curate, to masterfully sculpt, to manifest items within them; keep them empty and open and free.
But some people do not understand their grasp. They do not understand the effects of their gripping palms.
In 2010, I had a different kind of an experience with a woman, whose face I have seen in far too many capacities. She ran into me, and turned any openness I had offered her, and met me there, in her palm, only to squish me, stammer onto my insides, crush me with all of her gripping, and plunder me to a piece of dirt into the land. She created a demon out of herself to me.
There are people that we consider our friends, who are actually demons that we have kept close, aligning ourselves with the spirits of our ancestors enemies. We have to find these people and weed them out, simply by listening to the signs, seeing the markers, waiting and their true nature will reveal themselves to you.
I’m not going to Michigan Women’s Festival this year, and I don’t know that I can return; I have experienced trauma. What happened to me at Michigan was the worst experience for me. It was right up there with a relationship that ended in gun-point, and probably damn close to the trauma bestowed upon myself and the women of my family from my grandfather, who even still I love, and can see his smile, and yet, will never unfelt the weight of his palms.
It was painful when I left her place last year, and she wouldn’t let me go, had me walking down the street with a garbage bag of my stuff while she screamed for me to “get in the car”!
Or it was painful when she threaten to throw me onto the side of the road while we were driving back from Toronto, because I wanted to call my fiance or and my best friend, just to tell them we were on our way back in! So, I wasn’t able to make any calls. I wasn’t able to sit where i wanted…
I could go on.
I was granted a gift of sight.
I now see that I have created a dynamic between this woman and myself that is unsafe for me.
And even more wrenching, the perversions of my past have led me to walk right into her grasp, so much that when she would touch me, I wanted to both barf and cum (similar to what I heard from her in Michigan as she attacked me).
Saturn is showing me so many things:
That I have to say good bye.
That I don’t want to be a part of her dirt anymore.
That she has soiled the land for me.
The 2009 cleansing palms reminded me that perhaps I will go again, because I also experienced a healing there, which I will not forget, and do not want to take lightly.
But it will be a while before I can withstand the world that surrounds this woman, who I am happy to say goodbye to…
Still it will be a while before I can rid myself of her memory… a while before I can undo the shaping that we have done for each other, for over ten years.
There is a reason that I let her back into my life, over and over, even after each time is worst than the last.
That reason is one that I am ashamed of, and is the problem, and I’m not entertaining it any more.
For years, I thought, but what of community? What of our connection amongst other people?
My grandmother told me in night’s past:
When I see her, I will not pretend I do not know her, and I will not pretend that I want to be her friend, I will treat her like who she is to me, so that I won’t forget.
What’s awesome and balancing is that she is a beautiful person, trapped in the body of a monster. I am so sad for her. And I wish her well on this lifetime’s journey, which I honestly feel is not her fault, to be a villain. But like my grandmother has shown me, loud and clear, her voice sounds like a roar when she throws it at me, when she yells SHAWN!! on the streets of Toronto, where she chases me with a clutched palm, or SLUT!!! down a path in Michigan, in the darkness where I cannot locate the direction from which the rock is thrown…
Barking and growling! I hear the animal in her; and when her insides touch my lips, it is like acid, putrid and foul. Why had I not seen before that she was a demon?
The soft things that I was foolish enough to believe about her, I would like to erase them.
It is clear to me now, that she is no good for me.
To someone else, she will be an angel, her juices will taste like honey to them, and her voice will be a chorus of love.
To me, however she is the opposite, and I can no longer ignore the signs granted to me by my ancestors, spoken to me by the voice of my grandmother, unveiled to me through the guise of this Saturn.
I see you old friend, and goodbye.
Do you have any demons to say good bye to? The time may be now.