I’ve just put a call out into the universe. And then, I received a response. It happened just like that. My head began to pound. I forgot my cigarettes at home; I’m staring at my computer screen at work with red raging eyes, and I know if I saw anyone in this instance, I would cry or scream. Enraged.
And, as if in magic, the phone rings. I’m sitting, festering in my own frustration, sadness and confusion, fingernails clenched into my palmskin, and then, a soft familiar voice comes on the phone. She called, and invited me and friends to an inspirational seminar.
Not only is it a surprise to hear from her, but I’ve never received a personal call on that work phone ever before (besides from Jaz, of course). My coworker was only two steps behind me, and heard the entire conversation. Hearing her voice calmed me, and I was finally able to speak. Perhaps my co-worker was meant to hear the conversation.
Hi Shawn, It’s me.
And so it began.
She not only invited me to something, but she offered me the opportunity to receive her coaching.
Yesterday, I discovered that I had a story, continuous one that meant I was constantly on the defense; that I had to continuously defend myself at all costs, and so, I was making myself a victim, making myself need to be saved from the people out there whose goal in life was to destroy ME. Or sell me short, or make me cower.
And so, in defending myself, there as a pain of lashing out, always in self-defense. Always in tandem with others violence or ill-treatment.
She says, stop making them wrong.
I heard her. When understanding that, yesterday, I was on a constant defense, I see now, that first, that had to mean that others saw me as wrong… I saw myself as right, and they saw me as wrong. Also, I saw them as wrong, and they themselves as right, and so on. And so conflict prevails.
Stop making yourself wrong, she said.
I don’t know how, I said.
Just declare it, she said.
I’ll write it down, I said. And on my notepad, I’m scribbling,
“stop making yourself wrong”
“claim my power”
“stand from my stand inside my place of power”…
“stop making them wrong”
“claim my power”
“stand from my stand inside my place of power”
And what are you hearing? she asks.
That what we have been doing isn’t working. That we need a new strategy. I said.
It’s not about strategy, it’s about not making yourself wrong, standing from your place of power. What have you learned? How are you empowered from this? she asked.
I am mirroring my community. I see myself through our actions; it’s making me reconsider what it is that I am doing here. Who I am, and how I am in the world.
Say more. What do you see?
I see that we are mean to each other. We don’t care about one another. We don’t take care of each other. And that equates how I am to myself. I need to take better care of myself, and be good to myself.
But Shawn, don’t make them wrong for that. It just is. Stop making it wrong. Stop making yourself wrong. Embrace what it is.
I have been making it wrong. I’ve been making everything wrong.
Will you walk away from that? And stop making it wrong?
How will you do it?
I will declare it.
And then we said good bye. And so it is.